19.3 The Last Word: Identity and Emerson

I’ll end this book with a topic that we haven’t delved into very deeply, but that has become a common theme in recent communication research: identity. Much of the focus of this book has been on how to communicate effectively to audiences in a variety of contexts: how to persuade others to do something, how to formulate an argument that makes sense, how to tell a story that moves an audience, how to avoid misinterpretation of nonverbal signals, how to make good decisions in groups, how to get through conflict, how to choose the right media to deliver your message. These could all be lumped together under the umbrella “instrumental goals.”

What if your goal is simply to tell the world who you are?

Some scholars have looked at communication along a continuum I haven’t discussed yet, known as the “instrumental” vs. “expressive” dimension. Chapter 5’s focus on audiences implies that all communication is about trying to affect an audience in some way. What if that’s just not where your mind is, and instead you’re thinking about what you want to “let out,” regardless of how other people respond to it? I’ve read discussion threads, for example, about how people respond to men crying, with the implication that if you’re an emotional man, you might want to suppress the tears in some situations (you could have a similar discussion about women or any other demographic category). Well, some suggest, maybe you should find a quiet room where no one’s watching and do your crying there. Think about the audience first, not what is in your heart.

What does that say about authenticity, the A in the TARES model of ethics discussed in Chapter 3? I compare it to sneezing: some etiquette guides say you should suppress sneezes, and while I appreciate the consideration of not spreading your germs into the air, I also appreciate the argument that if your body wants to get that sneeze out of your system for whatever reason, then let it. Cover your nose with a tissue, but sneeze as hard as your body wants you to sneeze. Likewise, if you need to cry, then cry.

At least in American society in the 2020s, there’s a growing recognition of the value of pursuing your authentic identity, and showing it to the world regardless of how the world responds. There are countless recent books about communication and identity, a topic I encourage you to pursue.^[1]

This book has been about what you “say” — either in words, or through nonverbal communication or through media. As a communication teacher, I have never doubted that what you say matters. But in the back of my mind, I also hold a special space for an expression I heard long ago, attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Who you are speaks so loud, I can’t hear what you say.”^[2]

At the end of the day, effective, authentic communication is not something you can learn entirely from a book, a course, or even a series of courses, because in part it is about who you are. But hopefully, this book has given you a few ideas.