1.3 Perception and Metaperception

These more complex models underscore the role of perception in the communication process: it’s more accurate to say that Sonja “perceived” her partner to be unhappy about the color choice than to say Sonja “got the message” (which implies that the interpretation is correct). In Harry Potter, Petunia Dursley perceives Dudley to be a perfect angel despite rather overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Examples such as these have led some people, such as political advisors, to say “Perception is reality”: if, for example, people perceive a candidate to be powerful, competent, and smart, they will vote for the candidate, regardless of how inaccurate that perception may be. Likewise, if a product is perceived to be the best on the market, people will pay a high price for it — and the high price itself can contribute to the perception of superiority. This explains the origins of professions such as PR (Public Relations) and crisis management, and of “spin doctors” who work hard to put a positive spin on unflattering news.

Sociologist Erving Goffman coined the phrase “impression management” to refer to efforts by a person to shape how others see them. In his 1959 book The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, he talked about observing people approaching someone else’s front door, and seeing them “put on their game face” before ringing the doorbell. His book explored how people try to control the impressions others have of them, which led to a large body of research on what people do to create desired impressions, how they are motivated to act in certain ways (even making life more difficult for themselves by, for example, sporting high heels or buying cars they can’t afford), and how this relates to concepts such as authenticity.

Psychologist Mark Snyder developed the self-monitoring scale to measure the degree to which people are concerned about other people’s reactions to them, and how much they adjust their behavior in response.^[1] High self monitors are very sensitive to other people’s reactions and good at putting on the expected expressions (such as showing delight at receiving a gift they don’t like, or concealing disgust at someone’s appearance because they don’t want to hurt their feelings), but can struggle with feeling “two-faced” because they come across as totally different people in different settings. Low self monitors look inward for guides on how to behave and aren’t concerned with what others think (if, for example, a member of the “fashion police” scolds them for wearing socks with sandals, they say “I don’t care; it’s comfortable”). To find out where you fit along this continuum, take the test here: https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/SMS/

Jones and Pittman took this approach a step further by posing the question, “What kind of impression do people want to create?” and hypothesized five categories:

Think of when you had your picture taken for a student ID badge or driver’s license: what kind of image did you want that picture to portray? If you normally choose ingratiation and go for a big smile, but found out that you’re not allowed to smile in passport photos, what expression did you go for instead? All of this applies not just to facial expressions, but to uniforms and clothing. For instance, doctors in most medical settings might like to wear a white lab coat because it conveys expertise (self-promotion), but in a children’s hospital they might prefer to wear more “cheerful” scrubs because it makes them look friendlier (ingratiation).

If “perception” refers to “how I see you,” “metaperception” is “how I think you see me” (you can even take it a step further: “metametaperception” is “how I think you think I see you”). Try this experiment: if you’ve been in a close relationship with someone for a while, sit down with them and have a talk about perception. Start off by talking about how you see the other person, then switch to how you think they see you, and then what you think their perception of you is: it could be very revealing. Of course, any of those levels of perception could be inaccurate, which is one reason people have to keep communicating in relationships — to clear up misperceptions.

How does social media affect this picture? There is a great deal of research proving that social media has seriously harmful effects on people’s self-esteem, and these effects to be rooted in the obsession with metaperception: how do other people perceive me? The harm comes in part from the constant comparison effect — no matter how cool and attractive I am, everywhere I look I see people who are more perfect. Social media can become an endless impression management game, and no one wins. So while there is some value in thinking about the impression you are giving to others, there is also value in ignoring all of that. This explains why people so often give the trite advice, “Just be yourself.” Hopefully, your father agrees….