15.5 Differences in Relationships, Part 1: Collectivism vs. Individualism

When you face a major life decision, such as making a commitment to a romantic partner or taking a job far from home, who should have a say in that decision? If your first instinct is to “follow your heart,” or to think primarily about your needs and goals, that’s an indication that you may be from an individualistic culture, one that places more value on the rights and needs of an individual. If your first thought is “How will this affect my family?” or “Does this help the group I belong to?,” that’s a clue that you hail from a collectivistic culture, one that values group interests over individual interests.

If you are a fan of love stories, think of the moral of your favorites. The first movie to earn a billion dollars, Titanic (1997), was popular not just because of the shipwreck aspect of the story, but because of the love story between Jack and Rose (which can be seen as an updated version of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, another story about young lovers who didn’t care what the world thought; the love between the two of them was all that mattered). Rose is the epitome of an individualistic thinker: she has no feelings for the man she is supposed to marry (Cal), feels constricted by the social world she belongs to, and would rather dance and spit with Jack and the poor immigrants in the bottom of the ship than hang around with her family.

How would such a story sound to a collectivistic culture? In many places in the world, arranged marriages have been the norm for centuries: it is your parents, or a matchmaker, or perhaps a group of elders, who decide who you are going to marry, and the good of society takes precedence over the feelings of one or both partners. If a particular action (such as marrying a poor American you fell in love with on the deck of a ship) would bring shame on your family, you wouldn’t consider it. One of the benefits of such a system is that you don’t have to face the disapproval that Jack would have surely faced if he had survived and married Rose. Collectivistic cultures place high value on harmony and loyalty, and speaking your mind or following your own path may be seen as a threat to that harmony.

If you want to see a more recent love story that includes discussion of collectivistic values, watch Crazy Rich Asians (2018). Much of the dialogue revolves around whether the central characters represent true Asian values or whether they have been corrupted by living in America. Some admire the character of Nick for choosing to be with the woman he loves despite family disapproval, but others might ask, “Wait a minute: who’s going to take over the family empire?” Looking out for the welfare of everyone involved in a large family business by not handing it over to an incompetent relative is important, too.

How does this affect communication patterns? Along with factoring into life decisions, it can also have an effect on how a person interacts in a group. If you don’t agree with a majority decision, do you speak up? Chapter 17 discusses conflict styles [LINK to 17.D], including avoidance. People from individualistic cultures might view avoiding conflict as a moral failing: if you have a problem with someone, say something! People from collectivistic cultures might be more concerned with preserving harmony in the group, and not expressing upset is a way of showing respect for others.^[1] Is staying silent cowardly, or unselfish? Often, it is our cultural conditioning that dictates our answer to that question.