4.3 Understanding Listening to Become a Better Communicator

If you want to become an effective communicator, an understanding of what makes things difficult for listeners is a good starting point. In this section, I will delve into barriers to listening, and what the speaker can do to overcome those barriers. There are some factors that the speaker can’t do much about, such as a distracting noise in the background or a worry on the mind of an audience member, so I will just focus on those factors that can be controlled.

Barrier #1: Failure to see relevance

People are constantly bombarded with information that is irrelevant to them — commercials that don’t apply (see the section in Chapter 3 about unintended audiences), information they don’t need to know, and messages meant for others. The demand for attention is steadily growing more intense, which means that people are steadily getting better at protecting their sanity by tuning out messages they don’t need to hear.

If you’re sitting at an airport gate waiting for your flight to depart, you’ll hear a constant stream of announcements about other flights at nearby gates and cautions against leaving your bags unattended, most of which will begin with the phrase “Attention!” But even in more focused environments, like a banquet, a speaker who begins with the phrase “May I have your complete attention?” should realistically expect that the answer is no. Even if they succeed in getting everyone to stop talking to each other or look up from their phones, once the speech begins, audience members will still ask themselves “Why should I listen to this?” A speaker needs to answer that question, preferably early on, instead of relying on the assumption that they will automatically have the audience’s attention.

Remedy: It may or may not be advisable to explicitly tell people why they should listen to you, especially on a repeated basis, but occasional hints about “What’s in it for them” can be helpful. At the very least, you should keep the question in mind while speaking (whether it be a formal speech behind a podium, or telling a story to friends at a bar), and if you have a thought about why your words are relevant to the audience, it should come through in some way. You should not, however, abuse the privilege of having the audience’s attention by continually demanding that attention when it’s not needed. One fitness club I belonged to made frequent announcements that began with “Attention all members,” and were then followed with a message that was invariably meant for just one member (the owner of the white SUV with the lights on). This just works to teach everyone to ignore all messages.

Barrier #2: Strong emotional reactions

It is not just uninterested listeners who don’t listen carefully; a listener who has an intense emotional reaction to the message (in other words, is too interested in it) will also have trouble listening. Imagine your romantic partner angrily shouting in your face, “You want to know what’s wrong with you? I’ll tell you what your problem is!” Even though people like to hear about themselves, they don’t like hearing the bad stuff and will have difficulty listening objectively and accurately to what comes next. Chances are, they will start creating counter arguments in their head, trying to think of reasons the person is wrong about them. If they state those reasons out loud, it usually becomes a shouting match — another term for “two people who aren’t listening to each other” (shouters make poor listeners). Even if the message is not about them, but about something they care deeply about, such as upcoming ecological or financial disasters, it will be difficult for them to hear the message.

Remedy: When delivering a message that is challenging for your audience to hear (such as “We are all doomed!” or “You have been a fool”), be aware of the ways in which emotional reactions can make it hard for them to listen. Think hard about the tone of your message, and perhaps about ways to be less confrontational. Even occasionally lightening the tone with a little humor can make it easier for the audience to accept an emotionally difficult message.

Barrier #3: Assumptions and assimilation

In face-to-face conversations, some people who are trying to be good listeners say “I know exactly what you mean!” Although it seems to be a hallmark of good listening, that phrase actually means they’ve stopped listening and started assuming. Chances are they don’t know exactly what the speaker means, and are instead leaping to conclusions (the implication of “I know exactly what you mean” is that there’s no point in the speaker saying anything more). Even if the listener has had a similar experience or reaction to what the speaker is describing, assuming that it is exactly the same will lead the listener to stop paying attention to the differences, increasing the likelihood that their assumptions are wrong.

Assimilation is a psychological process that occurs when we interpret new information in terms of existing cognitive structures — combining the information we’re hearing with information we’ve learned before (e.g., “I heard a podcast about this once.”) The problem comes when the listener assumes that the two kinds of information — information already learned, and new information in the message — are more similar than they really are, and doesn’t pay attention to the differences.

From the speaker’s viewpoint, a common assumption is that listeners have an “empty head” (known as “tabula rasa”), and that no assimilation will occur. Unless the listeners are very young children, this simply isn’t true. I often see articles with the title format “Everything You Know About _____ Is Wrong,” which sounds like the author has too much confidence in their ability to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. This ignores the role of assimilation.

Remedy: It can be a good idea to start with an indication that your audience will hear something new (in other words, a message that heads off the assumption “I’ve heard all this before”). And if you want to find out how people will interpret terms or concepts, a little advance audience research, such as an informal survey, can reveal a lot (see Chapter 5 for audience analysis techniques). For example, if you want to give a speech advocating for defunding the police, it’s worth finding out what the phrase “defund the police” means to people. If it’s something different than you have in mind, take the time during the speech to clarify not just what the phrase means to you, but also what it does not mean — or else use a term that is less likely to be misunderstood,

Barrier #4: Failure to comprehend

It takes mental energy to comprehend a complex message, and depending on an audience’s motivation, they may reach a point of exhaustion, or decide the effort isn’t worth it, and their attention will wander. If your audience is not well-versed in the topic, someone is going to have to translate concepts into terms the audience can understand. A lazy speaker will leave that job up to the audience; an effective speaker will do that job for them.

What makes comprehension difficult? A number of factors:

Barrier 4(a): Esoteric (inscrutable or cryptic) language

People in virtually any field of knowledge develop their own jargon or inside language (see Chapter 10), and when they are writing or speaking to others in the field they naturally use this inside language. One problem comes when they have to speak to others who don’t know that language, such as customers, patients, or juries. But research also reveals that even among medical professionals, jargon can be a significant barrier: a fully trained nurse may not understand the doctor they work for, or a doctor trained in one region may not know the jargon used by a doctor in another region.^[1] Nothing makes a person feel like an outsider quite like the experience of hearing an unfamiliar word that everyone else seems to know, but nobody takes the time to explain.

Remedy: Even if there is a wonderful esoteric term for the idea you want to talk about, resist the temptation to use it unless you’re sure the listener knows the term, and search for a plain English phrase to convey the idea instead.

Barrier 4(b): Difficult concepts

Even if the words themselves are simple, concepts that are complex can make people tune out. To make difficult concepts easier for the audience to understand, plain English words may not be enough.

Remedy: There is a saying: “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”^[2] The first step is to think through different ways to explain or simplify the concept. Analogies and metaphors, examples, and visuals can be very helpful.

Barrer 4(c): Difficult grammar

Complex sentence structures are also difficult to follow. There are marked differences between the ways in which people write and the ways in which they speak, and people who are concerned about getting a message just right will often write it out and read it to the audience. Written style employs more complex sentence structures, fancier vocabulary words, and less repetition than spoken style. A written paragraph about Gandhi, for example, might include “Gandhi, before he became the man who liberated India from British rule, was an accomplished lawyer, training in London before honing his skills in South Africa.” Spoken style would sound more like, “Gandhi was the man who freed India from British rule, but before that he was trained as a lawyer in London, and then he practiced his legal skills in South Africa.” It’s not just that it’s easier to say the second version: it’s easier for your audience to listen to (and read) it as well.

Remedy: See Chapter 14 for guidance on public speaking and different delivery methods, but my first advice is: wherever possible, don’t read a script! If you speak from a skeletal outline rather than a word-for-word script, your phrasing will be more natural and easier for the audience to follow. If you need to read from a script, read the whole thing out loud several times to find the places your mouth stumbles over.

Barrier 4(d): Information overload

A famous Gary Larson Far Side cartoon features a student asking to be excused because his brain is full.

Both speed and length are factors in filling up a brain, but the effect is the same—overloading the circuits. Nervous speakers routinely talk much faster than normal and take fewer pauses than they should. In the courtroom, some lawyers take the approach of “throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.” My response is: it’s no fun being the wall. Firing too much information at your audience is not doing them any favors, and they will respond by tuning you out.

Musicians cite the rule “It’s better to leave the audience wishing for more, than leave them wishing you had stopped playing half an hour ago.” In English departments, they have a saying: “I was going to write you a short letter, but I didn’t have time, so I wrote you a long letter instead.”

What do these ideas mean? Editing is a time-consuming process, but if you skip it and instead do a “data dump” of all the information you think your audience might find interesting, you’ll surely lose their attention in the process. You may think it makes you look impressive to have so much information at your disposal that you could talk for hours about it, but consider whether you are putting your needs above your audience’s.

On a physiological level, it’s important to understand that brains need short “holidays” from time to time, temporarily wandering off and then returning. If a message is structured so that the listener must follow every point in sequence, and crucial transitions are mentioned only once, those mental excursions will cause problems. listeners will get lost and won’t be able to find their way back. Readers often have to re-read a paragraph several times, or go back and check something earlier in the reading. Listeners don’t have that luxury, and need a little more help staying on track.

Remedy: Be selective with the information you present, focus on presenting it in an easily comprehensible way, and organize it logically. Build a little repetition into the speech (but not too much), and use transitions (such as “The second reason that sleep is important…”) that remind the listeners where you are and where you’re going next. And remember that it’s pointless to rattle off a lot of information if the audience doesn’t absorb and remember it.

Barrier #5: Bad speech patterns

If you ask audiences what defines a bad speaker, they usually first mention a monotonous voice. Other common flaws include speaking too fast, too slowly, or too quietly, and not looking at the audience. Curiously, when it’s their turn to give a speech, many of those people commit the same sins, perhaps because they are not aware they’re doing them, or perhaps because it feels awkward and exaggerated to use more dramatic speaking techniques.

Remedy: Keep in mind the principle that variation facilitates listening, so work to introduce more variation in pitch, volume, and speed into your speaking style. If you listen to newscasters, you might be surprised how much pitch variation they use: they go way up high and way down low, and are well-versed in shifting the tone. Some delivery tips are included in Chapter 14, but the most important one is to practice. If you can stand it, the best thing is to film yourself and study the video. It may be painful to watch, but focus on the net gain of becoming a better speaker.

One last tip: Be Clear on the “Take-Away” Message

I have found that the single most important factor in creating effective communication is to be clear on what you want listeners to take away from the conversation. Can it be summarized in a single sentence? Are there simple phrases you can use that they will easily remember? Why are you speaking to them in the first place? If you have a good answer to that last question and keep it forefront in your mind, there are a million approaches you can use to get it across to them.